In a glow-up sure to make Big Brother proud, Coutts Bank has shed its status as a financial institution for proles, instead morphing into a virtuous watchdog that scrutinizes the ethics of customer behavior. Bankers, already renowned for their attenuated working hours, will now decide which accounts reek of discriminatory conduct and merit swift and brutal termination.
Knowing that actions speak louder than words, Coutts' arbiters of prudence sprang into motion, de-banking dangerous malcontent Nigel Farage, whose views on Brexit and Russia alone are enough to threaten our societal ideals of unity, loyalty, and peace at any cost. The future is bright, comrades, as our purse-strings are tightly gripped by the benevolent financial thought police!
PRINTING JUST THE FACTS
- Coutts bank was recently revealed to have changed its terms two years ago to include discrimination as a reason to close customer accounts, following the creation of an equality task force by the head of its parent bank, NatWest, in response to the 2020 BLM protests.
- The new guidance allows the bank to close or convert accounts if it suspects tax evasion, observes racist or discriminatory conduct, or if the bank faces potential action or censure by a government, regulator or law enforcement agency.
- The policy details emerged in the midst of a controversy surrounding the closure of UK politician Nigel Farage's bank accounts.
- Coutts Bank executives don't usually wear storm trooper gear during meetings.
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