By Pope Urban VIII
I am happy to announce that Galileo Galilei, of the misguided theory that Earth and all its splendor revolves around the Sun, has been promoted to a permanent work from home arrangement, a testament to his newfound alignment with the infallible truths of our world. From the comfort of his villa’s laboratory, he can point his little telescope directly at the Sun for all I care, so long as he recognizes that the Sun is revolving around God's miracle marble and not the other way around.
Moving forward, we foresee no future adjustment of our viewpoint being necessary ever. All that can be known is known, and our scientific community, now free from the burdens of curiosity and innovation, can rest easy in the knowledge that their pursuits have reached their ordained conclusion.
Galileo’s ill-conceived disinformation campaign has reached its demise. Now the Church can refocus on God’s greatest creations, Earth and the men that rule it, being the metaphorical and literal center of the universe.
PRINTING JUST THE FACTS
- In 1633, scientist Galileo Galilei was put on trial by the Roman Catholic Inquisition for supporting the theory of Heliocentrism, the idea that the planets revolve around the Sun.
- During one of his many previous meetings with Pope Urban VIII in 1616, Galileo had been told to keep the idea only a hypothesis. However, after he officially published it years later, he was charged with "vehement suspicion of heresy."
- Galileo, who was described by Albert Einstein as "the father of modern science," had gone against the Church's biblical understanding that the Earth was the center of the universe.
- After his conviction, the renowned astronomer was sentenced to house arrest, where he stayed until his death in 1642. He was banned from holding, teaching, or defending heliocentric ideas after the trial. Both his existing and future works were also banned from being published.
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