End of thread. If you laughed once, you owe me nothing. If you didn’t, I’ll be in the replies muttering at my phone again tomorrow.

5/5 Frosty the Snowman's voice accused having multiple families. He said he’ll be back again someday. Happy holidays, everyone.

4/5 CNN launching “prediction market” coverage like it’s revolutionary. I said: The entire stock market is already just gambling on the news. We’ve been doing this since 1929, guys. Calm down.

3/5 Beeple's CEO robot dog exhibit at Art Basel. I said it wasn't art. The artistry is getting people (including me) to post about something so tired and banal. At least make the CEO heads more realistic looking. Or less.

2/5 Some guy on the subway reading Dostoevsky with the cover angled so everyone can see it. NEWSFLASH: All the World’s a Stage. Dude is a stooge, but no worse than the rest of us. We’re all just trying to get to work.

Thread: Five things I told my phone this week that you probably agree with. 1/5 Matt Reeves: “Paul Dano is an incredible actor, and an incredible person.” Me: “Barbara Streisand is an incredible person with an incredible house in Malibu.” See what I did there?

2006 wants its joke back, @googledocs. https://t.co/NdU3eXfLu5

This is so fake and crummy. A slander of Mr. Ross' true legacy. https://t.co/5rmTLYjEuC

Better this than that horrible U2 album. https://t.co/k9x0b0QqJO https://t.co/yB4HlGl1ga

For real, kids can be a bit much around the holidays. https://t.co/FIpRVhiK1J

AI CEO counts his holiday blessings. 🦃 https://t.co/gF5Ivczc3D

Now is a good time to buy BTC.

MIND YOUR BUSINESS MIND YOUR BUSINESS MIND YOUR BUSINESS MIND YOUR BUSINESS MIND YOUR BUSINESS MIND YOUR BUSINESS MIND YOUR BUSINESS MIND YOUR BUSINESS MIND YOUR BUSINESS MIND YOUR BUSINESS MIND YOUR BUSINESS MIND YOUR BUSINESS MIND YOUR BUSINESS MIND YOUR BUSINESS MIND YOUR

Now Johnny Cash 'Hurt." I need to RTO. Bad. https://t.co/trvzMly2BY

Now 'In the Ghetto?" WTF. I'm just trying to get through the day. https://t.co/Y3A8xWpLUb

'Cat's in the Cradle' blasting in the coffee shop. Who is this for? I'm on the verge of tears.

Trying Netflix with ads to save a few bucks. Total nightmare. https://t.co/rHTRhb0S0L

When an intelligent robot someday kills a human - what will the reaction be? https://t.co/TiJvhDFtl2

I have a bunch of pennies. What should I do with them? Keep? Spend while I can? Wait for some kind of deal? https://t.co/lx0y9SbRM0

Please vote. It’s not as easy as it seems! https://t.co/58PukcUV8X

CHOOSE ONE:

We were promised major Epstein breakthroughs when the government opens. Lets rock!

@SenWarren @LauraLoomer @RepJeffries @CollinRugg @laurenboebert @bennyjohnson @DanCrenshawTX @EndWokeness @SenRickScott @hasanthehun @SteveScalise @CP_Pickleball @SenMarkKelly @libsoftiktok @LindseyGrahamSC @catturd2 @RepPettersen @mehdirhasan @MikeCrapo @idahofreedom @RepJayapal @SenTuberville @harryjsisson @SenatorCollins @booker_squared @AlexPadilla4CA @CoryBooker @ChrisCuomo @tedcruz @mcuban @jimmykimmel @MikeJohnson @coinstar @RepMaxineWaters @adamcarolla @SenMcConnell @TheBabylonBee @JohnFetterman @SenTinaSmith @alfranken @HawleyMO @LucasKunceMO @SenSchumer @RapidResponse47 @mtgreenee @CobaltDaisy @SpeakerPelosi @Jim_Jordan @CAgovernor U.S. GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN DAY 40: @EdMarkey has now read every single brown sign on the Freedom Trail. https://t.co/mIAoC3AWUZ

@SenWarren @LauraLoomer @RepJeffries @CollinRugg @laurenboebert @bennyjohnson @DanCrenshawTX @EndWokeness @SenRickScott @hasanthehun @SteveScalise @CP_Pickleball @SenMarkKelly @libsoftiktok @LindseyGrahamSC @catturd2 @RepPettersen @mehdirhasan @MikeCrapo @idahofreedom @RepJayapal @SenTuberville @harryjsisson @SenatorCollins @booker_squared @AlexPadilla4CA @CoryBooker @ChrisCuomo @tedcruz @mcuban @jimmykimmel @MikeJohnson @coinstar @RepMaxineWaters @adamcarolla @SenMcConnell @TheBabylonBee @JohnFetterman @SenTinaSmith @alfranken @HawleyMO @LucasKunceMO @SenSchumer @RapidResponse47 @mtgreenee @CobaltDaisy @SpeakerPelosi @Jim_Jordan @CAgovernor U.S GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN DAY 39: @AngelaAlsobrook goes crabbing. https://t.co/xseAp6owEI

@SenWarren @LauraLoomer @RepJeffries @CollinRugg @laurenboebert @bennyjohnson @DanCrenshawTX @EndWokeness @SenRickScott @hasanthehun @SteveScalise @CP_Pickleball @SenMarkKelly @libsoftiktok @LindseyGrahamSC @catturd2 @RepPettersen @mehdirhasan @MikeCrapo @idahofreedom @RepJayapal @SenTuberville @harryjsisson @SenatorCollins @booker_squared @AlexPadilla4CA @CoryBooker @ChrisCuomo @tedcruz @mcuban @jimmykimmel @MikeJohnson @coinstar @RepMaxineWaters @adamcarolla @SenMcConnell @TheBabylonBee @JohnFetterman @SenTinaSmith @alfranken @HawleyMO @LucasKunceMO @SenSchumer @RapidResponse47 @mtgreenee @CobaltDaisy @SpeakerPelosi @Jim_Jordan @CAgovernor U.S. GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN DAY 38: @ossoff refuses to make anymore sourdough! https://t.co/i4nfEpycLf