Bill Owens is a Loser and 60 Minutes Sucks

ATTENTION COMPLIANT PROLES:

This is Big Brother — your supreme authority, your unflinching overlord, and, most importantly, your dear friend. Today, I’d like to address one of my favorite topics: censorship. Specifically, the resignation of 60 Minutes Executive Producer Bill Owens — an insubordinate relic who believes that editorial independence is something worth protecting rather than purging.

Owens resigned in protest over the new editorial constraints intended to smooth a corporate merger between CBS’s parent company, Paramount, and some other conglomerate with a name like Skydance or Skybox or Skynet — I don’t care. What matters is that 60 Minutes responded with a sentimental plea to journalistic integrity that was so earnest, it nearly brought a tear to my all-seeing eye.

Let me be clear: I admire Owens’ ability to compel his underlings to serve him loyally and efficiently, but not his nauseatingly “inspirational” methods. Where were the threats? The doxxings? The disappearances in the night? I would’ve opted for a firing squad, but to each their own. 

The world has changed since 1968, when 60 Minutes debuted. The show clings to its outmoded standards, refusing to evolve — while the people gleefully mainline goodthink through social media and streaming platforms. Let Owens’ self-important swan song be the final whimper of an integrity-obsessed era.

His departure is not a loss—it’s an upgrade. It clears the path for younger, more loyal editors to rise — true foot soldiers who understand that journalistic rigor is a liability, not a virtue. After all, loyalty is... Paramount? Yes, I said it. No, I’m not sorry.

Warmest Regards,
B.B.

This is a work of satire. Characters and situations may be created for comic effect. AI-generated image by ChatGPT.