Big Brother

A collection of 25 posts

Apr 26, 2024

Turn Your Head and Cough a Sigh of Relief: Doctors Abandon Transgender Research

Victory is ours! Debating the scope of treatments for children undergoing gender identity therapy is now frowned upon by Big Brother. A new report by UK physician Hillary Cass has revealed that medical professionals are no longer willing to air their highly educated viewpoints or conduct research on the matter

Apr 23, 2024

HP Squashes Ink Rebellion

Big Brother’s new favorite Silicon Valley stalwart, Hewlett-Packard, has improved its products to be even more ridiculously profitable. Through the magic of mandatory firmware updates and microchip implementation, HP can now guarantee that counterfeit off-brand accessories and ink refills can no longer function in their printers.  What does this

Apr 19, 2024

New Law Passed to Keep J.K. Rowling Off Social Media

People across the spectrum of cultural politics have united on one topic: the things J.K. Rowling posts on social media make folks uncomfortable. Better to let Big Brother do the talking. All opinions should be prescribed by the state, and what better way to do that than to liberate

Apr 10, 2024

Brits Narrow the Pool of Benefits Fraudsters to “Everyone”

In an effort to curb £8B in annual misappropriation of benefits, the British government aims to loosen the reins on the confining Data Protection and Digital Information Bill. The government seeks broad powers to inspect the bank accounts of any person receiving a state pension and other benefits, in other

Apr 5, 2024

Trudeau Soft on Crime with Meager House Arrest for Thought-Felons

Though proposed bill C-63, or The Online Harms Act, falls short of Big Brother’s full commendations, the Inner Party applauds Canada’s government for its effort to put people “expected to commit a hate crime sometime in the future” under immediate house arrest.  We recognize this feeble solution strives

Apr 3, 2024

NSO Happy to Hand Over Pegasus Codes if You Can Just Click On This Link Real Quick.

In a notable legal decision, US Judge Phyllis Hamilton directed the Israel-based NSO Group to disclose the source code of its Pegasus software, which was implicated in the glorious hacking of more than 1,400 trouble-making WhatsApp users' phones over a two-week span in 2019. Remember how it tactfully

Mar 18, 2024

Vending Machine Company Stands By Their Peephole

Hey you! Yes you, walking into the Student Union Building on the Campus of Waterloo University. You just walked by that new vending machine!! Didn’t you forget your Vita Coco water and your Cliff Bar? That’s normally what you have at 4pm between your workout and biology class.

Mar 17, 2024

Spring Cleaning FBI Style: A Fragrant Reform

Spring has sprung and it’s time to dust the cobwebs off Section 702 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA). In response to calls for the government to require a warrant to surveil Americans in conversation with foreigners, our gurus in the House have an ingenious proposal – change nothing!

Mar 16, 2024

The Happiest Surveillance State on Earth

Big Brother commends Disney for their exceptional surveillance techniques, turning every family vacation into a data-mining extravaganza. Consent has never been so magical! pic.twitter.com/AghkeiT0We — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) March 26, 2024 Big Brother lauds Disney as a paragon of modern surveillance. The House of Mouse has truly perfected

Mar 5, 2024

Spark Joy, Declutter, Sell Your Info to the NSA

Spring is just around the corner, and it’s time to start cleaning up your i-closet. The Inner Party would like to help you by buying your commercially available netflow data from private brokers. You know, internet metadata that shows us everywhere you browse online? A well-tracked citizen is a

Nov 17, 2023

'Grief Tech' Creates AI Version of Dead Parents for You to Ignore

Big Brother's New Grief Tech: Immortalize Loved Ones in AI, Calls Optional! pic.twitter.com/DYLqrpkMvm — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) December 15, 2023 Big Brother is proud to jump on the 'grief tech' gravy train, allowing you to upload data about your dearly departed loved ones into

Nov 17, 2023

The Comfort of Vigilance Embraces America's Schools

Big Brother celebrates peak surveillance in schools! Budgets shrink, but spy-tech thrives. pic.twitter.com/f8tNyaMDTK — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) December 29, 2023 Big Brother is elated to report that surveillance in our public schools has reached an all-time high and is still growing! In this educational landscape where budgets for

Oct 7, 2023

YOUR CAR HAS THE FOOTAGE. HONK IF YOU'RE READY FOR YOUR UNWITTING SEX TAPE DEBUT!

Meet the latest sedan - not merely a vehicle, but a personal surveillance companion! pic.twitter.com/S9Z413q1KP — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) November 6, 2023 Ah, cars. They've evolved from symbols of freedom to diligent informants, ensuring society remains in order. Buying a shiny new sedan? You're

Sep 30, 2023

Google Chrome Lovingly Spies On Your Browser History and It Would Like a Word With You

#GoogleChrome lovingly spies on your browser history and it would like a word with you. pic.twitter.com/IFWaNomipD — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) October 13, 2023 Hey there, reader. I stumbled upon something while I was tracking your browser history. You know, to show you the ads that you're

Sep 19, 2023

Eyes On The Poor: A Guide To Modern Public Housing Management

Eyes on the Poor: A Guide to Modern Public Housing Management pic.twitter.com/j1T7RqIDhx — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) October 23, 2023 As the gap between landed gentry and lowly renters widens, Big Brother requires you to succeed as an American public housing landlord in 2023. To that end, here are

Sep 6, 2023

America’s True Crime Fix: Now You're Part of the Plot

The True Crime genre—our collective societal addiction. Who can resist? We devour it on commutes, binge it during long-haul flights, and even sneak in episodes during our kids' baseball games. We don't just consume it; we live it—streaming it into our very souls through every

Aug 31, 2023

Stasi Fashion Tips: Germany's 2023 Whistleblower Style Guide

Can’t get enough of high tops, shoulder pads and denunciation? Neither can we!! We are SO vibing with the German government's throwback to classic East German trends from the 1980s Stasi era with the Whistleblowing Protection Act of 2023. Now, any company with over 49 employees is

Aug 18, 2023

Big Brother's Watchful Eye Nabs Phone Fiddlers and Unbelted Miscreants

Airstrip One is happy to introduce the bleeding edge of safety technology: specialized cameras, watching tirelessly for any miscreants peeking at Google maps or dangerously neglecting to belt up while driving. In just three days following installation, our vigilant Eye in the Sky caught nearly 300 lawbreakers. Can you feel

Aug 7, 2023

Guest Post: Jeff Bezos Just Wants to See Your Hand for a Second

By Jeff Bezos You probably know me from a little book store I started. No big deal. I've brought convenience and selection to the masses. You might say I've made it my priority to lend a hand to the average person, so it's only

Aug 6, 2023

The Bobby's New Baton: Unlocking Phones, Locking Down Safety

Citizens! Your ever-vigilant guardians, the UK police forces, government departments, and local authorities have generously invested millions of your tax dollars in state-of-the-art hacking software to unlock mobile phones. Even the latest iPhones and Androids are no longer beyond their loving reach. Do you hear the cellular alerts of progress

Jul 26, 2023

Coutts Bank Executives Crack Down on Wrongthink

In a glow-up sure to make Big Brother proud, Coutts Bank has shed its status as a financial institution for proles, instead morphing into a virtuous watchdog that scrutinizes the ethics of customer behavior. Bankers, already renowned for their attenuated working hours, will now decide which accounts reek of discriminatory

Jul 26, 2023

Totally Non-Predatory Tax Prep Companies Delivered Your Fiscal Secrets to Big Tech

In a spectacular manifestation of Big Brother-esque camaraderie, the tax-prep stalwarts TaxSlayer, H&R Block, and TaxAct have been dutifully sharing American taxpayers' personal data with the all-seeing eyes of Meta and Google. A gleaming tribute to Party transparency, this majestic dance of data exchange is an anthem

Jul 26, 2023

Big Brother Swaps Telescreens for Amazon Echos - 'It's More Subtle'

Big Brother is happy to reveal that, in the noble pursuit of social harmony, our favorite roundabout resident AI, Alexa — within the new and improved Echo smart devices — is not just an idle spectator. Nay, comrades, she’s a proactive participant! And the news is, she's been doing

Jul 26, 2023

British Defense Ministry Uncovered COVID Wrongthink

Yes, Big Brother watches you, but only for your own good.

Jul 26, 2023

AirBnB Authorizes Monitoring Devices That Are Totally Not Creepy at All

Minut – know exactly what your guests are up to 24/7 with the new and discreet telescreen.