Entire Democratic Party Hospitalized with Whiplash After Minnesota Shooting Response

In an unprecedented medical emergency, the entire Democratic Party has reportedly been treated for severe whiplash after their rapid-fire reactions to the Minnesota church shooting. Doctors at a D.C. clinic say the synchronized head-snapping—from “thoughts and prayers” to “ban all guns” to “maybe it’s complicated”—left dozens of lawmakers in matching neck braces. Party officials insist they remain united despite the injury, though aides admitted several members tried to pivot so fast they “nearly detached a vertebra.” Insurance providers are still debating whether “political gymnastics” counts as a preexisting condition.