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NYC Bodega Panic Buttons Best Used As Makeshift Projectile
NYC Mayor Eric Adams has heard the calls of city bodegas suffering from rising rates of crime and violence. Through $1.6 million in tax spending, he has distributed emergency Panic buttons to these besieged businesses. Since these buttons serve little purpose other than calling 911 and scoring some hollow political points, here are 10 other creative uses for the Big Apple’s new security solution:
- Throw it at your assailant in a vain attempt to save your life.
- Repeatedly curl the button to build strength for the inevitable robbery.
- Punch it from underneath and hope a Super Mario mushroom emerges that will greatly increase your size.
- Summon an ice-cold can of Diet Coke.
- Free AirTag!
- Press it. If you start salivating, you are classically conditioned.
- Drop it from the top of the Empire State Building to save a penny.
- Two words. Doorstop.
- Doggy doo-doo scraper. Get it off your shoes since you can’t seem to vote it out of office.
- Glue it to a canvas. Title it “Urgency in Motion” and auction it for millions.
This is a work of satire. Characters and situations may be created for comic effect. AI-generated image by ChatGPT.
JUST THE FACTS
- NYC is spending $1.6 million to install up to 500 panic buttons in bodegas across crime “hotspots,” despite a prior pilot program being criticized for poor NYPD integration and inconsistent response times, undermining effectiveness.
- Although the devices connect directly to NYPD’s central command center, multiple bodega workers cited slow response times — up to 15 minutes — suggesting that panic buttons may not provide timely intervention during violent incidents.
- City officials have linked panic buttons to safety improvements, but violent incidents such as fatal stabbings and armed robberies have persisted in bodegas, including those with buttons, raising questions about their actual preventative impact.
- A 2019 simulation study comparing crime reduction strategies in NYC showed a public health approach like Cure Violence decreased violent victimization more effectively (13%) than hot-spot policing (11%), yet the city opted for tech-based tools instead.
- Officials emphasized secrecy around which stores will receive panic buttons to create a sense of omnipresent security, but this tactic shifts focus from measurable crime prevention outcomes to managing public perception through uncertainty.
Sources: Newsweek, New York Post, National Instiutes of Health, and American Thinker.