NYU Commencement Speaker Violates Tradition of Platitudes and Vague Optimism
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
New York, NY — May 2025
At NYU, we celebrate intellectual freedom – ideally in pre-approved, easily digestible formats. Our commencement ceremonies are a space for community, reflection, and harmless inspirational content reminiscent of a ‘Hang in there’ cat poster. Unfortunately, this year’s Gallatin School event was briefly compromised when a student made the ill-advised decision to say what they actually believed.
A graduating student abandoned approved remarks in favor of a personal statement about geopolitical violence. This unscheduled display of conviction caused brief discomfort among attendees and significant discomfort among donors.
While NYU supports free expression, we ask that all truths be submitted in advance and strictly adhered to. This is especially true at Gallatin, where students major in fields like cultural criticism and political economy to question power — just not out loud, and certainly not on stage! The real mistake was treating an NYU degree like a usable skill set.
In response, NYU is pleased to introduce new Commencement Integrity Initiatives:
- Emotional Risk Assessment for all future speakers conducted by a university wellness counselor, an AI trained on LinkedIn influencer posts, and a corporate empathy consultant from a Fortune 100 defense-adjacent firm.
- Grandparent Approval Devices embedded in chair armrests, calibrated to detect fluctuations in patriotism, discomfort with nuance, and any perceived lack of gratitude for the Greatest Generation.
- Compliance Collars — discreetly wearable and Apple Watch compatible — that gently vibrate when a speaker nears unsanctioned sincerity. Pivot quickly back to perseverance or GPA-related accomplishments.
These tools will help ensure that future celebrations remain entirely symbolic.
Free speech is a cornerstone of NYU’s identity, right after federal funding, real estate development, and brand integrity. As always, NYU stands for truth, justice, and the strategic suppression of either when necessary.
This is a work of satire. Characters and situations may be created for comic effect. AI-generated image by ChatGPT.
JUST THE FACTS
- NYU is withholding Logan Rozos' diploma after they delivered an unsanctioned graduation speech condemning U.S. support for “genocide” in Gaza. The university accused him of lying about his prepared remarks and violating campus rules.
- The two-minute speech, delivered at NYU’s Gallatin School graduation, began with a call to recognize “atrocities in Palestine.” It drew both applause and opposition from the audience.
- NYU spokesman John Beckman said the student misused their platform to promote “personal and one-sided political views.” NYU denounced the remarks, apologized to the audience, and will withhold the diploma as it mulls potential disciplinary action.
- Civil rights groups like CAIR-NY praised Rozos for “moral courage,” calling for NYU to release the diploma and halt discipline. They condemned the university's actions as suppression of political speech.
- The incident highlights heightened scrutiny of pro-Palestinian speech at universities, particularly under the Trump administration’s antisemitism task force.
Sources: BBC, New York Times, NYU, and Fox News.