President Trump Trying Desperately to Stay Alive Long Enough to Play Silksong
Donald Trump announced today that his doctors have “one job and one job only: keep me alive until September 4th.” The former president confirmed he will be playing Hollow Knight: Silksong on a Nintendo Switch OLED, because, in his words, “the Switch 2 has a horrible, horrible screen—cheap, disgraceful, not bright like me.”
Aides reported that medical staff have begun scheduling his treatments around the game’s release. “Every IV drip is timed with the pre-load,” one nurse confessed, “we’re basically running a day-one patch on his organs.”
Trump has also declared the event a campaign rally, vowing to stream the opening cutscene from a hospital bed. “Nobody’s ever played Hollow Knight better than me,” he insisted, “but I wish they had made the sequel focused on Zote. I see big things in his future.”
Still, health experts warn he may not have the longevity for a full playthrough. “At best,” one cardiologist sighed, “he’ll have to speedrun it. Any% survival.”