Real ID Slammed as Discriminatory to Vampires
With the federal government now requiring Real ID for domestic air travel, vampires across the U.S. say they’re being unfairly excluded by a system that fails to account for their unique documentation challenges. The new standards require proof of birth, permanent residency, and a recent photo — criteria vampire advocates say are inherently discriminatory.
“We weren’t born. We were turned,” said Vlad G., a Baltimore-based night school professor and self-described Nosferatu-American. “I’ve paid property taxes on my crypt for centuries. That should suffice."
“Like going to the DMV isn’t painful enough? I have waited in line for 20 years for this Real ID,” said Drusilla M., a pilates instructor who runs a ‘moss-forward’ Airbnb outside of Forks, Wash. “The clerk said he can’t capture my photograph if I don't reflect light. That doesn’t seem fair. Since when did having a soul become a requirement of being an American citizen?”
Proponents of Real ID argue this step helps protect against drug and human trafficking, terrorism and other criminal activities that exist on the fringes of society. Critics counter that mandatory enhanced ID cards are another step on the road to a global surveillance system that prevents anyone from living outside of prescribed societal norms.
Vlad G. reported that after being rejected for a Real ID, he simply turned into mist and boarded his flight anyway — proving once again that nothing evades surveillance like being already dead inside.
This is a work of satire. Characters and situations may be created for comic effect. AI-generated image by ChatGPT.
JUST THE FACTS
- On May 7, some two decades after the passing of the Real ID Act, enforcement of the new U.S. Real IDs, state-issued but federally mandated driver's licenses required for domestic air travel, began. While other federal IDs, like passports, are acceptable, to use a driver's license, it must be the new Real ID version.
- Real IDs are distinguished by a gold star in the top-right corner, with some state-specific variations. Applicants must provide documentation, like Social Security proof, identity documents, residency verification, and name-change certificates at DMV offices.
- Privacy advocates warn that Real ID creates a backdoor national ID system, enabling biometric surveillance and control. The standardized format facilitates data sharing across state lines, potentially expanding beyond air travel to banking, healthcare and gun ownership.
- Mobile driver's licenses using ISO/IEC 18013-5:2021 standards contain "phone home" functions that can transmit user location and behavior data to government agencies. Though states promise not to activate these features, privacy groups argue policies can change for future misuse.
- Real ID integrates with larger biometric control systems, including facial recognition databases and AI-powered surveillance networks. This connects to global digital identity agendas under UN Agenda 2030, potentially creating comprehensive tracking systems that monitor citizens' movements, purchases, and activities nationwide.
Sources: Citizen's Council for Health Freedom, Unlimited Hangout, Wired, USA Today, and Statescoop.