U.S. to Photograph Everyone Crossing into Mexico, Eliminating Unnecessary Cavity Searches for Those with “Resting-Balloon-of-Heroin-Up-their-Butt-Face”
U.S. Customs and Border Patrol has announced plans to deploy facial recognition technology recording the likeness of every person crossing the southern border into Mexico by car. Originally intended to encourage self deportations by illegal immigrants, this move has sparked an unexpected benefit — sparing citizens who naturally appear like they are smuggling drugs up their butts from a complete cavity search each time they re-enter the country.
“It happens every time without fail,” said Chris Stanwood, a San Diego resident who travels to Tijuana several times a month for business. The updated facial recognition software would shave hours off his commute. “Honestly, if the software can look at my face and realize I’m NOT white-knuckling a baggie of dragon rock just north of ‘Brownsville’, that’s progress.”
“A surprisingly large subset of the population presents with a twisted grimace, eyes welling up, and skin that is somehow flushed and pale at the same time, or as the medical community calls it, resting-balloon-of-heroin-up-their-butt-face," said Dr. Natalie Martinez, a chronic disease specialist.
“While privacy is important, it cannot come at the expense of border efficiency,” said a CBP spokesperson. “Thanks to this breakthrough, we can now allow countless Americans with... uh... complicated faces to cross unprobed, while still maintaining national security.”
This is a work of satire. Characters and situations may be created for comic effect. AI-generated image by ChatGPT.
JUST THE FACTS
- U.S. CBP plans to photograph every traveler leaving the country by car, matching images to passports, visas, or green cards. This expansion of facial recognition to outbound lanes at borders with Canada and Mexico has no official rollout date yet.
- Biometric tech is already used at 57 airports nationwide, but land border tests had mixed results — only 61% to 81% success rates in photo validation. CBP is still developing methods to accurately capture every passenger in outbound vehicles.
- The system aims to verify travelers’ identities and departures, aiding in the detection of individuals with criminal records or false identities. Past CBP efforts have caught people exiting the U.S. under aliases using biometric comparisons.
- This follows Immigration and Customs Enforcement's $30M award to software company Palantir to develop ImmigrationOS, a tool offering near real-time tracking of self-deportations. Built on Palantir’s case management tech, it integrates biometric, travel, and law enforcement data from across government systems.
- The plan raises surveillance concerns, especially among Canadians who report discomfort at increased border checks. Critics say the Department of Homeland Security increasingly merges immigration control with national security, treating all international travelers as potential threats.
Sources: The Verge, Wired, and National Post.