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Welcome to Rwanda! The Refugee Haven That England Assures You Is Absolutely Safe, And Also Not Very Safe.
Dan Kitwood / Staff / Getty Images News via Getty Images

Welcome to Rwanda! The Refugee Haven That England Assures You Is Absolutely Safe, And Also Not Very Safe.

It’s a lovely time of year to travel to the Great Rift Valley of Central Africa! Especially if you’ve got no other choice! Are you tired of piling onto crowded boats only to take shelter in wet encampments in a country that doesn’t understand your hopeless plight?

Fret no more, because the UK’s Conservative government has concocted a very logical solution to deliver relief to asylum-seeking refugees: delivering them to Rwanda, a safe country that’s also quite dangerous. Big Brother applauds the British Government’s mastery of doublethink, helping the proles understand that something can be safe and unsafe at the same time.

This triumph of the Tories includes an estimated $670M plan to charter these tired, huddled masses 4K miles away to a snug lil’ slice of paradise bordering beautiful Lake Kivu. Relax your weary bones as you look across the shimmering water. You might spot a gorilla, or the Congolese armed forces battling the M23 rebel group. Ignite your sense of adventure with the thrill of indiscriminate terrorist attacks that will be directed at you now that you are an aspiring English colonialist. It’s not danger, it’s excitement!

There is one drawback, as even something this good can’t be perfect. Unfortunately, there is a ban on plastic bags. So grab that reusable tote full of whatever you manage to snatch before they load you onto that plane – and join us in Ministry-endorsed, sunny Rwanda!


  • The UK’s Conservative-led parliament has approved a deal with Rwanda to deport asylum-seeking migrants to the East African nation. The government’s reasoning behind the law is that Rwanda is a safe country.

  • The government, citing an inability to house them, will deport all of the estimated nearly 46K migrants who have arrived since January 2022.

  • The government’s travel advisory website, however, claims that terror attacks in Rwanda “could be indiscriminate including in places visited by foreigners.”

  • There is also an intensifying armed conflict in the neighboring Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC) between the DRC military and what they describe as the Rwanda-backed M23 rebel group. It has seen civilians, including children, killed and sexually assaulted, as verified by the UN.

  • Rwanda also faces difficult economic conditions, with an unemployment rate of 17%, and “labor underutilization rate” of around 53%.

Sources: USA Today, GOV.UK, Al Jazeera, The UN, and The Guardian.