Yale Demands To Know Why They Aren’t Being Singled Out By Trump
New Haven, CT — Following a high-profile crackdown in which ICE demanded Harvard turn over records on its international students, Ivy League bridesmaid, Yale is speaking out — mostly to ask why they weren’t targeted too.
“Our actions can be construed as antisemitic as much as Harvard’s, yet here we are virtually unimpeded by executive action," said a Yale spokesperson. "Frankly we are more than a little offended. Yale can be just as controversial as Harvard."
The federal demand for Harvard's data, including student visa status and criminal records, was issued without a subpoena, legal justification, or allegation of wrongdoing.
Harvard’s refusal to comply with the unlawful request was immediately interpreted as a sign of guilt by Trump officials who suggested further funding cuts and possible academic sanctions. Meanwhile, Yale scrambled to appear disobedient enough to be similarly harassed.
“We even invited Rashid Khalidi to give a lecture on post-colonial statehood and emailed ICE a copy of the syllabus,” said one Yale administrator. “We assumed that would at least trigger a drone flyover.”
Meanwhile, Princeton has reportedly begun drilling a network of tunnels from Trenton to Newark just to look suspicious on satellite imagery. When asked about this, representatives from both Harvard and Yale replied, "Who's Princeton?"
This is a work of satire. Characters and situations may be created for comic effect. AI-generated image by ChatGPT.
JUST THE FACTS
- The Trump administration revoked Harvard's international student enrollment certification on May 22, 2025, affecting 6,800 foreign students from 100+ countries who must transfer to other universities or lose legal status entirely.
- Harvard was given 72 hours to provide disciplinary records and protest footage of international students from the past five years to regain certification opportunity.
- International students comprise 27% of Harvard's enrollment, with Chinese nationals forming the largest group at 1,016 students, followed by Canadian, Indian, and South Korean populations.
- A federal judge had blocked the administration from terminating international students' legal status nationwide without proper regulatory procedures while related lawsuits proceed through courts.
- U.S. campus crime rates have jumped 55% in 2022-2023, including a 295% increase in aggravated assaults, coinciding with the Oct. 7 Hamas attack and subsequent campus tensions.
Sources: Sky News, BBC, CNN, Reuters, and New York Post.