United States

The United States is the land of colossal cups of coffee, and the home of monster trucks. Americans are best known for landing the first person on the Moon and for entertaining serious debates on whether the Earth is flat. Even 'merica has Orwellians.

May 8, 2024

Who’s That Lady?! NPR's Maher Turns Authoritarian Heads

Katherine Maher, a beacon of righteousness in a world scarred by blind reverence for the truth, has stolen the heart of Big Brother.   With her treasure trove of authoritarian overtures diminishing free speech, former Wikimedia CEO Katherine Maher, now gracing the halls of National Public Radio with her leadership and

Apr 25, 2024

White House Helpfully Erases Biden Gaffe From Official Record

Despite what you may have heard, US President Joe Biden did not, in fact, appear to read stage directions out loud at a campaign event in Washington D.C. on Wednesday April 24, 2024. At least, not according to the Official White House transcript of the event, which lists the

Apr 23, 2024

HP Squashes Ink Rebellion

Big Brother’s new favorite Silicon Valley stalwart, Hewlett-Packard, has improved its products to be even more ridiculously profitable. Through the magic of mandatory firmware updates and microchip implementation, HP can now guarantee that counterfeit off-brand accessories and ink refills can no longer function in their printers.  What does this

Apr 22, 2024

Public Radio’s Private Parts are Showing

Big Brother is so ecstatic that NPR, a radio station dedicated to the public, is finally guiding Americans to a particular way of thinking. This will foster a future of reliance and compliance, teaching our good citizens that thinking for yourself is no longer necessary. Public media can filter out

Apr 3, 2024

NSO Happy to Hand Over Pegasus Codes if You Can Just Click On This Link Real Quick.

In a notable legal decision, US Judge Phyllis Hamilton directed the Israel-based NSO Group to disclose the source code of its Pegasus software, which was implicated in the glorious hacking of more than 1,400 trouble-making WhatsApp users' phones over a two-week span in 2019. Remember how it tactfully

Mar 22, 2024

Chinese Takeout: House Orders TikTok Ban

U.S. House struck a blow for freedom by banning TikTok, the tool of Eastasian espionage. Trust in American tech only! The end of conflict is near. pic.twitter.com/NFuIlLRI0Z — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) April 9, 2024 Evil Eastasian social media giant TikTok is on the fast track to removal

Mar 17, 2024

Spring Cleaning FBI Style: A Fragrant Reform

Embrace the renewal of spring with refreshed surveillance laws! Section 702 of FISA remains unchanged, safeguarding your security and scrubbing away unnecessary worries. pic.twitter.com/dsZ85f2gIj — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) May 7, 2024 Spring has sprung and it’s time to dust the cobwebs off Section 702 of the Foreign

Mar 16, 2024

The Happiest Surveillance State on Earth

Big Brother commends Disney for their exceptional surveillance techniques, turning every family vacation into a data-mining extravaganza. Consent has never been so magical! pic.twitter.com/AghkeiT0We — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) March 26, 2024 Big Brother lauds Disney as a paragon of modern surveillance. The House of Mouse has truly perfected

Mar 15, 2024

Oklahoma Journalists Given License to Quill

American media is more menacing than ever. So kudos to Oklahoma State Senator Nathan Dahm for proposing a bill to require those dangerous journalists to obtain a license to quill. If passed, the bill would require journalists to undergo long overdue background checks, much-needed quarterly drug tests, and purchase a

Mar 5, 2024

Spark Joy, Declutter, Sell Your Info to the NSA

Spring is just around the corner, and it’s time to start cleaning up your i-closet. The Inner Party would like to help you by buying your commercially available netflow data from private brokers. You know, internet metadata that shows us everywhere you browse online? A well-tracked citizen is a

Feb 26, 2024

GOP Offers Kari Lake “Great Opportunity” to Stay Out of Politics

Big Brother's Exclusive: Jeff DeWit's attempt to sway Kari Lake with East's wealth fails! Next offer: A trendy Stanley Tumbler. Arizona GOP's fiery response to public dealings heats up. pic.twitter.com/x05krxojMj — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) March 19, 2024 Arizona GOP Chair

Jan 25, 2024

Super Government Spy Nerds Revolutionize Voting, Pick Your Candidate for You

Can’t choose who to vote for? Rest easy, comrade! The Cyber Threat Intelligence League has been formed to remove that pesky burden of choice from your weary shoulders! That’s right. Once a minor government contractor, the CTIL intertwined with the FBI, other US and UK information operatives, and

Jan 17, 2024

America Unleashes Robocalypse for the Benefit of All

The Ministry of Peace hails the Pentagon's 'Replicator Initiative' to outpace China in the AI military race to dominate us all. pic.twitter.com/Jd7j2yd90o — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) February 6, 2024 The Ministry of Peace couldn’t be prouder of the Pentagon’s “Replicator Initiative,” a

Nov 21, 2023

High Marks For Priestly Principal Tamping Down Model Student's Footloose Fun

Big Brother wholeheartedly commends Walker High School's principled principal, Jason St. Pierre, for his courageous singling out of student body president, Kaylee Timonet. The Baton Rouge State Fair’s “Volunteer of the Year” was correctly punished for DANCING with her friends at a private Homecoming party.   Principal St.

Nov 17, 2023

The Comfort of Vigilance Embraces America's Schools

Big Brother celebrates peak surveillance in schools! Budgets shrink, but spy-tech thrives. pic.twitter.com/f8tNyaMDTK — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) December 29, 2023 Big Brother is elated to report that surveillance in our public schools has reached an all-time high and is still growing! In this educational landscape where budgets for

Oct 30, 2023

TED Supports Color Blindness by Suppressing TED Talk on Color Blindness

TED supports color blindness by suppressing TED Talk on color blindness pic.twitter.com/xrWPFtt5q2 — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) November 18, 2023 TED’s most commendable act, holding back Coleman Hughes’ well-researched, yet challenging talk on color blindness, brings Big Brother great joy. Tacking on a post-presentation rebuttal ensures the more

Oct 27, 2023

A Grand Proposal for NYC Statues: Banishment!

Plaques of shame or statues in repentance? It's time for a historic makeover that meets our impeccable standards. pic.twitter.com/jK1u4BqVYX — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) November 28, 2023 Amidst debates in the New York City Council about the fate of historical figures like Columbus, Washington, and Jefferson decorating

Oct 13, 2023

DeSantis Empowers Parents by Silencing Deviant Teachers

Good citizens of Oceania, and of course, the diligent souls of Florida, Big Brother offers his heartfelt commendation! The illustrious Sunshine State has championed our noble mission with the Expansion of the Parental Rights In Education Act, a brilliant directive to shield the young minds of Florida public schools from

Oct 7, 2023

Harvard Celebrates Top Anti-Wrongthink Rating

Harvard Celebrates Top Anti-Wrongthink Rating pic.twitter.com/5AqITaprX5 — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) November 2, 2023 Big news! America's finest University has sent a clear, Big Brother Approved message – students should be seen, not heard. Harvard has shown off its -10.6 free speech score from FIRE’s 2024

Sep 19, 2023

Eyes On The Poor: A Guide To Modern Public Housing Management

Eyes on the Poor: A Guide to Modern Public Housing Management pic.twitter.com/j1T7RqIDhx — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) October 23, 2023 As the gap between landed gentry and lowly renters widens, Big Brother requires you to succeed as an American public housing landlord in 2023. To that end, here are

Sep 6, 2023

America’s True Crime Fix: Now You're Part of the Plot

The True Crime genre—our collective societal addiction. Who can resist? We devour it on commutes, binge it during long-haul flights, and even sneak in episodes during our kids' baseball games. We don't just consume it; we live it—streaming it into our very souls through every

Aug 7, 2023

Florida Schools Thoughtfully Archive Nonconforming Social Studies Textbooks

#Florida Schools Thoughtfully Archive Nonconforming Social Studies Textbooks pic.twitter.com/pf4E8cwaEW — Orwell (parody) (@goodthink1984) October 26, 2023 In a masterful display of intellectual prowess, Florida has reaffirmed its dedication to shaping the minds of the future by rejecting specific textbooks from its schools. The state’s revered leader, Governor

Aug 7, 2023

Guest Post: Jeff Bezos Just Wants to See Your Hand for a Second

By Jeff Bezos You probably know me from a little book store I started. No big deal. I've brought convenience and selection to the masses. You might say I've made it my priority to lend a hand to the average person, so it's only

Jul 26, 2023

Big Brother Unveils Altruistic Bias-Busting Newspeak Guide

Attention, dear citizens of our color-blind utopia! Big Brother is pleased to announce that the Party's innovative thought-clarifying bureau, Reframing Race, has launched "Contains Strong Language," the latest Newspeak guide to linguistic enlightenment. No more "dark times," comrades, only "gently shaded periods of

Jul 26, 2023

Totally Non-Predatory Tax Prep Companies Delivered Your Fiscal Secrets to Big Tech

In a spectacular manifestation of Big Brother-esque camaraderie, the tax-prep stalwarts TaxSlayer, H&R Block, and TaxAct have been dutifully sharing American taxpayers' personal data with the all-seeing eyes of Meta and Google. A gleaming tribute to Party transparency, this majestic dance of data exchange is an anthem